Civil War: What Is It Good For? (Absolutely Nothing)

Unlike Infinite Crisis, I really wasn't looking forward to Civil War, because it smacked of derivative desperation and pathetic pandering. We've been hammered with hype for months now and we already knew the following:

1. Civilians die during a New Warriors-related battle.

2. American citizens get all pissed.

3. Captain America and Iron Man will be on opposing sides of the question: should the heroes be forced to register or not.

Guess how much we learned after this first issue?

This is plot-hammering to the nth degree: because a villain decides to blow up a school in Stamford (causing 900 casualties, including several classic Warriors--I'm sure the surviving inhabitants of DC's Blüdhaven will cry them a river...), suddenly all heroes are responsible by default, being called "baby-killers" by apparent losers who owe their existence to the people they're suddenly decrying. There is no logical progress here, we're just quickly jumping ahead to the point that's necessary for the fireworks to start (only they don't start yet, of course, that'd be too soon!)

Yes, I understand that the New Warriors working for reality tv is a factor, in that they underestimated the villains they engaged in combat because of a desire for ratings. But that wouldn't make the entire country rally against all the superheroes. It's forced.

What's even more forced is having the FF, the Avengers and the X-Men all gather (with several other heroes, one of whom should be in freaking prison still, yet not enough of them to really see the diversity of the MU) to express some slapdash viewpoints on why they should or shouldn't register, followed by the "momentous" appearance of the Watcher, who "only appears to record moments of great change and cosmic upheaval". In other words, Millar uses him as a tool to lend importance to a flailing plot, same way as Lobdell did during the abominable Onslaught saga (or Harras during Galactic Storm, although at least in that story, consequences were grave for the space-faring alien cultures that are part and parcel of the MU like the Kree and the Shi'ar).

Nearly a third of the total page-count is spent on Captain America's confrontation at and subsequent escape from the SHIELD helicarrier, because of course he isn't willing to comply with the bitchy new director, Maria Hill (yet another useless Bendisian Mary-Sue character). It's all nicely drawn, but Millar forgets he's not writing Ultimate Cap, the way I see it. This is a Bad Thing. (I can't help it, I loathe the Ultimates.)

Then we cut to the end, where there's hemming and hawing amongst some people at the White House, with three classic heroes taking up a full page to proclaime they'll take care of Cap. Let the "Civil War" begin (wouldn't it be a Hero War? I'm just saying). How utterly exciting.

I was expecting the worst, which admittedly I didn't get. But I didn't get a very satisfying story either. I got a concept, as it has been provided on Newsarama, all bones but no flesh. And as skillful as Steve McNiven is, he's just not very organic, often turning out stiff faces and poses, hampering the flow of the story instead of enhancing it.

I appreciate that this story is not aimed at me. It's meant for a wide range of readers, mostly the newer ones, who are less familiar with the Marvel Universe and who can still feel excitement when all the heroes gather for a big brawl. I've seen it happen many, many times though, from Secret Wars to the Infinity Gauntlet to Onslaught (not to mention the DC counterparts), and frankly, I don't give a damn anymore (yeah, I just had to work that in somehow :p)

There's more to it than just me being jaded though. I was excited at the opening chapter of Infinite Crisis, which may have many flaws indeed, as a whole, but it still managed to get me into the story. Civil War remains entirely neutral, verging into the territory of assitude in certain places. The worst part is that it'll carry over in a whole bunch of ongoings over at Marvel that I actually enjoy. I'm very wary whether the spill-over won't diminish my enjoyment of the books involved. At least my precious Runaways remain safe (for now).

The concept's okay enough, I guess, but the execution is that of a mere fanboy (as was to be expected, in all honesty) and so my interest is already flat on its face. I'll follow the story through friends' copies or at the store just to see if I'll be pleasantly surprised (you never know whether something will actually improve along the way), but so far I'm highly doubtful. It may have some nice-looking scenes here and there, it may have some ideas, no matter how bare-bone they are, but it's got no cohesion or genuine internal logic to it, making it plodding and unengaging. I have no desire to see heroes "go to war" over something as inane as this. My suspension of disbelief just won't go along with it.

I realize this will make me look like an ogre to some (because isn't Marvel the greatest? and doesn't Millar just rock?) but hey, it's how I feel. For the record, I'm a major Marvel zombie who got into comics thanks to Spider-Man, Daredevil, the Fantastic Four... DC characters will always hold second place. However, the publishing practices are another matter entirely. There's a lot I don't agree with over at DC, but whenever Quesada opens his mouth, he manages to irk me (his thoughts on the Spider-Man/Mary-Jane marriage, for instance). Quite the talent, since I'm not looking to be irked (as much as I like to complain, I don't like to be actually pissed in general about the universe that captured my heart to begin with).

So. Whose side am I on? Well... DC's, I guess :)